BEAVER BUTT, ALBERTA (UPI): At a news conference earlier today, self-styled big thinker and brain-farter Lynn Don LaDouche announced a grand scheme to ‘water the Western USA’ with CRAP, the Canadian Resources Acquisition Project.
LaDouche, himself with French-Canadian roots, began his speech paying tribute to ‘our good friends in the Great White North’ and lauded the ‘many fine things they have exported to the USA’.
My God, what would we do without Canadians? Ask yourselves, ‘What a miserable place this world would be without them!' There would be no nice, polite people in the world. We would not know the joys of munching a Coffee Crisp or chewing on back bacon while quaffing a bottle of Molson’s. Bob and Doug McKenzie, les hosers extraordinaires who embody the quintessential Canadian 'can-do' spirit, would be just a gleam in the eyes of someone like Larry David or Andrew Dice Clay. And what would the world be without Newfie jokes and Ice Road Truckers? Maude Barlow, you gotta love her! And don’t forget ice hockey and curling! The only times our dear friends have faltered were by exporting Justin Bieber, who should have remained ice-bound in Flin Flon, Manitoba, and allowing Les Québecois out of the asylum. Oh yeah, and Rush, eh?
With that glowing introduction, LaDouche then dropped the big one:
But Canada has withheld her biggest gifts to the USA till now: her water, gas, and oil. I, along with some visionary Canadians, will resurrect the long-buried North American Water And Power Alliance (NAWAPA) that will bring water south from British Columbia and Alberta to water the Western USA via CWAP, the Canal for Water And Power, and a companion pipeline, POOP (Pipeline for Oil and Oil Products), will bring oil from Alberta and shale gas from BC. CWAP will also generate power through its unique embedded turbines.
LaDouche mentioned that the respected Fifty-Four Forty Foundation’s recent report, Frostback Friends Forever: Canada, the USA’s Water and Energy Colony, had influenced him greatly, so much so that he established the Water Trust Foundation (WTF) to realize his dream of draining the Great White North. Bush FamilyDevelopment (BFD), now headed by former Vice President Dick Cheney, is also involved. Cheney has long been a strong proponent of WTF, CRAP, and POOP.
LaDouche then brought his partners to the stage: expat Okie energy tycoon and serial spouse T. Bone Lickens; water maven Pat Mulroy of the Southern Nevada Alliance for Resource Exploitation (SNARE); Sarah Palin, former short-time governor of a kleptocratic petro-state; erstwhile premiers Ralph ‘The Finger’ Klein (Alberta) and Van Coover (British Columbia); and ersatz songstress Celine Doyenne.
Lickens opined that he had never met a visionary like LaDouche, who understands money ‘even better than my first ex-wife. And I really like CRAP.' Palin excitedly gushed. "If you stand on a really tall stepladder, you can almost see the province of Alberto from my front porch!"
When asked by Toronto Lobe and Male reporter Hugh Jeego why LaDouche had former politicians as partners, spokeswoman Michele Bachmann Turner-Overdrive barked: “He’s takin' care of business.” She then winked and added, “You ain’t seen nothing yet!”
LaDouche then interrupted: "We have thousands of team members, the LaDouchies, who are fanning out in waves across two nations to promote CRAP. Each one has a beautiful little bookbag, LaDouche bags, just chock full of literature."
Bachmann Turner-Overdrive, who prefers the nickname ‘BTO’ since it rhymes with ‘GTO’, which she noted was ‘one hot car,’ said former premiers Klein and Coover had extensive experience with the USA and were well-respected in their home provinces. She also said that former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin had extensive dealings with Canada. At that point, Gov. Palin chirped, “If you stand on a really tall stepladder and move some mountains, you can almost see Colombia from my front porch!”
When asked by Edmonton Urinal reporter Freda Press about the rumored inolvement of Mexico, Bachmann Turner-Overdrive noted that LaDouche had the political acumen to involve all three North American countries: Canada, the USA, and New Mexico. She added that in terms of international cooperation, this will truly be “the shot heard ‘round the world!” She then introduced the head of the Mexican engineering firm ABRIL-TONTO, Dr. Alberto ‘Al’ Muerzo, erstwhile dean of the Universidad de Perro Negro’s School of Engineering and Culinary Science.
The effervescent Gov. Palin interjected, "If you stand on a scaffolding and move some more mountains, you can see New Mexico from my front porch!"
LaDouche then introduced four of Canada’s most innovative and wealthiest entrepreneurs, all financial backers and silent partners: Jean-Paul Bouxboux, inventor of the smart hockey puck; Pierre Bête-Noire, creator of the wildly successful ‘back bacon beer donut’ for the Tim Hortons chain; Jacques Double-Entendre, renowned French-Canadian annoyeur and former owner of the alleged pro football team Wiinipeg Blue Bombers; and maple-syrup magnate J. Sargent Preston, who brought his life partner King.
Hockey reporter Faye Soff of the Regina Rag asked Bachmann Turner-Overdrive about the environmental impacts of such a project. She noted that Dr. Haywood U. Leevnow, who occupies the Clayton Riddell Stool of Petroleum Engineering and Environmental Assessment at the Calgary Regional Engineering and Technical Institute (CRETIN) and Wendy Summer-Breese, Professor at the Saskatoon Higher Institute of Technology, conducted the WTF Environmental Impact Statement and concluded that CRAP would have virtually no effect on the environment. In fact, both concluded it would actually help the environment. How so?Leevnow explained:
Canada is actually one of those few places that has too much water and too much water is really bad for the environment. Every year, thousands of moose, weasels, caribou, wolves, wolverines, badgers, lynx, squirrels, bears, voles, lizards and other terrestrial creatures, not to mention besotted humans, drown by falling into Canada’s ubiquitous surface water bodies. So we need to get rid of water. Besides, it’s frozen most of the time so it does no one any good. Well, maybe ice road truckers. What better way to unload it than to charge the unsuspecting Americans $50/acre-foot for taking this stuff off our hands? Such a deal!
The same is true of oil and gas; we have too much. Besides, the stuff is highly flammable; it’s downright dangerous. And the oil is stinky and horribly gooey. We don’t want that foul stuff around our beautiful land. The Americans are paying us $50/barrel for oil and we’re throwing in the gas. We’re lucky to have such good friends!
Leevnow added: “This deal is so sweet for Canada that even Margaret Atwood supports it!”
When asked about the cost, LaDouche cited figures produced by his economics consultant, Dr. Anthony 'Tony Numbers' Pizzeria of the Meyer Lansky School of Business at UNLV: 'Fageddaboutit. It's gonna cost a lot of Bens." LaDouche said that estimate was good enough for him. In addition, the Canadian federal government has agreed to post the Maritme Provinces and Quebec as collateral, but was having trouble finding a bank to accept those terms unless Quebec was thrown out.
LaDouche was extremely grateful to Canada for allowing the USA to extract its resources. "Canada has been a good neighbor, and we thank her and her wonderful people for continuing to accept CRAP, POOP, and CWAP from the USA. It'll be the gift that keeps on giving."
LaDouche added that USA plans to provide funding were suspended because of the decision to invade Libya. CRAP is expected to be completed by 2050, the projected end of the SLAIN (Syria, Libya, Afghanistan, Iraq, and Nigeria) Wars.
Happy April Fools' Day! ¡Feliz el día de tontos de abril!
[Disclosure notice: this is fictitious, but perhaps it's allegorical. Any resemblance between real people and characters in this post is an unintended consequence. See my previous April Fools' Day posts: 1 April 2007; 1 April 2008; 1 April 2009; April 2010.]
"You can take the boy out of the Catholic high school but you can't take the Catholic high school out of the man." -- my long-suffering spouse