BEAVER BREATH, ALBERTA (UPI): At a news conference earlier today, master builder, self-styled smart guy and serial trophy-wife collector Donald J. Trump announced a grand scheme to ‘water the Western USA’ with CRAP, the Canadian Resources Acquisition Project.
Trump provoked additional controversy by proposing to use thermonuclear bombs to enhance the construction process and speed up his plans to 'make America wet again and provide nuclear weapons to Canada so they can defend themselves.'
Trump, himself with Canadian roots like fellow presidential wannabe Ted 'Eh?' Cruz, began his speech paying tribute to ‘his many, many good friends in the Great White North’ and lauded the ‘many terrific things they have exported to the USA’.
My God, what would we do without Canadians? They are a terrific bunch of people. Ask yourselves, ‘What a miserable place this world would be without them!' There would be no nice, polite people in the world. We would not know the joys of munching a Coffee Crisp or chewing on back bacon while quaffing a bottle of Molson’s. Bob and Doug McKenzie, les hoseurs extraordinaires who embody the quintessential Canadian 'can-do' spirit, would be just a gleam in the eyes of someone like Larry David or Andrew Dice Clay. And what would the world be without Newfie jokes and Ice Road Truckers? Maude Barlow, you gotta love her! And don’t forget ice hockey and curling! The only times our dear friends have faltered were by exporting Justin Bieber, who should have remained ice-bound in Flin Flon, Manitoba, and allowing Les Québecois out of the asylum. Oh yeah, and Rush, eh?
With that glowing introduction, Trump then dropped the big one:
But Canada has withheld her biggest gifts to the USA till now: her water, gas, and oil. I, along with some visionary Canadians, will resurrect the long-buried North American Water And Power Alliance (NAWAPA) that will bring water south from British Columbia and Alberta to water the Western USA via CWAP, the Canal for Water And Power, and a companion pipeline, POOP (Pipeline for Oil and Oil Products), will bring oil from Alberta and shale gas from BC. CWAP will also generate power through its unique embedded turbines.
The project will also bring back much-needed jobs to America and provide menial labor to the millions of terrific people in the lower stratum of American life. I love the little people.
Trump mentioned that the respected Fifty-Four Forty Foundation’s recent report, Frostback Friends Forever: Canada, the USA’s Water and Energy Colony, had influenced him greatly, so much so that he established the Water Trust Foundation (WTF) to realize his dream of draining the Great White North. Bush FamilyDevelopment (BFD), now headed by former Vice President Dick Cheney, is also involved. Cheney has long been a strong proponent of WTF, CRAP, and POOP.
Trump then brought his partners to the stage: expat Okie energy tycoon and serial spouse T. Bone Lickens; water maven Pat Mulroy, formerly of the Southern Nevada Alliance for Resource Exploitation (SNARE); Sarah Palin, former short-term governor of a kleptocratic petro-state; erstwhile prime minister Stephen ‘Alberta Clipper’ Harper and former premier Van Coover (British Columbia); and ersatz songstress Celine Doyenne.
Lickens opined that he had never met a visionary like Trump, who understands money ‘even better than my last ex-wife. And I really like CRAP.' Palin excitedly gushed. "If you stand on a really tall stepladder, you can almost see the province of Alberto from my front porch!"
When asked by Toronto Lobe and Male reporter Hugh Jeego why Trump had former politicians as partners, spokeswoman former congresswoman Michele Bachmann Turner-Overdrive barked: “He’s takin' care of business.” She then winked and added, “You ain’t seen nothing yet!”
Trump then interrupted: "We have thousands of team members, the The Trumpies, who are fanning out in waves across two nations to promote CRAP. Each one has a beautiful little book bag designed by my beautiful wife, Melania, just chock full of literature."
Bachmann Turner-Overdrive, who prefers the nickname ‘BTO’ since it rhymes with ‘GTO’, which she noted was ‘one hot car,’ said former politicians Harper and Coover had extensive experience with the USA and were well-respected in their home provinces. She noted that Harper is especially beloved by his fellow Canadians. She also said that former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin had extensive dealings with Canada. At that point, Gov. Palin chirped, “If you stand on a really tall stepladder and move some mountains, you can almost see Colombia from my front porch!”
When asked by Edmonton Urinal reporter Freda Press about the rumored inolvement of Mexico, Bachmann Turner-Overdrive noted that Trump had the political acumen to involve all three North American countries: Canada, the USA, and New Mexico. She added that in terms of international cooperation, this will truly be “the shot heard ‘round the world!” She then introduced the head of the Mexican engineering firm ABRIL-TONTO, Dr. Alberto ‘Al’ Muerzo, erstwhile dean of the Universidad de Perro Negro’s School of Engineering and Culinary Science. Dr. Muerzo is the designer of the proposed 'Trump Wall'.
The effervescent Gov. Palin interjected, "If you stand on a scaffolding and move some more mountains, you can see New Mexico from my front porch!"
Trump then introduced four of Canada’s most innovative and wealthiest entrepreneurs, all financial backers and silent partners, and good friends: Jean-Paul Bouxboux, inventor of the smart hockey puck; Pierre Bête-Noire, creator of the wildly successful ‘back bacon beer donut’ for the Tim Hortons chain; Jacques Double-Entendre, renowned French-Canadian annoyeur and former owner of the alleged pro football team Wiinipeg Blue Bombers; and maple-syrup magnate J. Sargent Preston, who brought his life partner King.
When asked about the cost, Trump cited figures produced by his economics consultant, Dr. Anthony 'Tony Numbers' Pizzeria of the Meyer Lansky School of Business at UNLV: 'Fageddaboutit. It's gonna cost a lot of Bens." Trump said that estimate was good enough for him, because he was a 'smart guy'. In addition, the Canadian federal government has agreed to post the Maritme Provinces and Quebec as collateral, but was having trouble finding a bank to accept those terms unless Quebec was excluded.
An exuberant Trump added, 'This deal is so good that even Margaret Atwood would support it!'
Happy April Fools' Day! ¡Feliz el día de tontos de abril!
[Disclosure notice: this is fictitious, but perhaps it's allegorical. Any resemblance between real people and characters in this post is an unintended consequence. See my previous April Fools' Day posts: 1 April 2007; 1 April 2008; 1 April 2009; April 2010.]
"You can take the boy out of the Catholic high school but you can't take the Catholic high school out of the man." -- my long-suffering spouse