In an early-morning 1 April 2017 Tweet President Donald J. Trump announced that he had signed an Executive Order federalizing Lake Tahoe and authorizing TRUMPP, the Tahoe Regional Underground Mountain Pipeline Project:
(1/2) New TRUMPP plan will boost American jobs, use WV coal, provide water to over-regulated farmers & build infrastructure.
(2/2) Nothing for loser states OR, CA, NV, WA! Total disasters! TRUMPP – Tahoe Regional Underground Mountain Pipeline Project - Making America Great Again!
The President later explained what TRUMPP really is at a White House press conference.
"My action means that the US government now owns Lake Tahoe and all its water. My engineer friends - and I have many, many engineer friends, some Muslims and Mexicans, even - tell me the lake holds 40 trillion gallons of water, and that is a YUGE amount of water, believe me!" I will then build - and I know how to build things, believe me - a YUGE pipeline to pump water from the lake and distribute it to the parched Western states of Arizona, Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, Montana, Oklahoma, and Texas.
Hands from the reporters immediately went up.
"Mr. President, you have omitted the Western states of California, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Washington, and Colorado. Why? Could it be that you did not carry any of those states?"
"Ms. Foolz, those states are total disasters, with losers for governors. Believe me, low energy types, like total loser Jeb Bush. Nevada and California do not deserve Lake Tahoe's bounty. Many, many illegal immigrants in those states were allowed to cast millions and millions of votes against me for Crooked Hillary. Totally rigged. Disgusting. Sad."
"Some people in California will get TRUMPP water from a special pipeline going directly to the over-regulated farmers in the Central Valley. The farmers there have been deprived of water by the over-regulatory losers at the failing EPA, who have robbed the farmers of their ability to make America great again. My EO stipulates that only Central Valley irrigators can get TRUMPP water that flows to California. Believe me."
"TRUMPP will be the crown jewel in the tiara that will be President Trump's legacy," said U.R. "Bud" Uggley, White House spokesperson. This could be his pièce de résistance - that's French, by the way - I mean really big, and he will be fondly remembered for the TRUMPP," he said. Uggley then introduced Ima Bedd-Wetter, newly-appointed U.S. Bureau of Reclamation Commissioner, who described TRUMPP.
"The Tahoe National Forest Supervisor, Hazel Nutt, tells me that the lake, which holds 40 trillion gallons of water, is the purest natural water in the world. Lake Tahoe is one of the most recognizable landmarks in the world, so anything associated with it will automatically achieve marketing nirvana." Nutt seconded Bedd-Wetter's assessment with a resounding "It's awesome!"
Trump promptly interjected:
"See. I have women in the top jobs. I love women. I love the women. Right?
Bedd-Wetter then elaborated upon TRUMPP.
"We'll reserve 4 trillion gallons of the lake's water for bottling, which means we can fill 32 trillion 16-ounce bottles with the purest water in the world. We will sell that for an average of $3 a bottle over the life of the project. Do you know how much money that is? That's $96 trillion!" she said. "Do you know how much of that will be profit? $90 trillion! And that's after paying the Trump Organization subsidiary, Kushner Recycling And Plant Systems (KRAPS), to do the bottling. All we do is collect the money! Can you believe the profit? We can probably pay for the anticipated BULSHIT (Baluchistan-Uzbekistan-Lebanon-Syria-Hamas-Iran-Turkmenistan) War," she gushed.
The novel aspect of the TRUMPP is that Lake Tahoe will appear unchanged. Sophisticated engineering provided by the Trump Organization subsidiary, Best Lucite And Maintenance Engineering (BLAME), will do the trick. BLAME's Chief Engineer, Anita Mann, waxed enthusiastically about her team's ingenious plan. "We'll install a thick, watertight Lucite slab about 50 feet below the lake's surface, which will be painted to look like the lake bottom. That will create the illusion that all the water is still there. We will then tunnel through the mountains to the lake bottom and start pumping out the water via a huge PVC pipeline almost 20 feet in diameter," she said. "But we're not done. The energy provided by the water rushing out will be used to run electrical generators to supply most of the western US needs. It's really quite remarkable," she added.
Freda Press of the Bakersfield Bloviator asked how much water would remain in the lake above the slab. "No hay problema! About 200,000 acre-feet, or about 64 billion gallons," replied Mann. "That's still a lot of water left behind, so who's going to miss the rest?" she said.
Ben Dover of the Sacramento Buzz questioned the plan. "Won't people know what's been done, having seen the massive construction project and pipeline?" he inquired.
"Aha!", proudly interjected Bud Uggley, "We've figured that one out. We are going to do all the construction only at night, so no one will see what we're doing. And since no one fishes or swims in the lake, they won't know that it is only 50 feet deep! Are we smart or what?" Uggley then added that it was President Trump himself who conceived the plan to work at night, thus avoiding detection.
Mann admitted that the scheme is not a new one, but is based upon one proposed by former University of Nevada hydrologist Dick Bateman in the 1970s to mitigate Nevada' s drought. Since the state could not legally extract more water from Lake Tahoe, Bateman proposed installing a watertight Lucite slab 15 feet below the lake's surface, drilling a tunnel west from Carson City, and sucking out all the water from under California's nose. Mann noted that Nevada has been doing this for 40 years, and no one's caught on. "It's foolproof," she said. "Hey - get it? Foolproof on April 1!" she exclaimed.
Stu Pendus of the Las Vegas Review-Urinal asked if it were true that the remaining one trillion gallons would be sold to Las Vegas. Bedd-Wetter corroborated that and said, "That's about 3 million acre-feet, enough to supply Las Vegas' current needs for almost 10 years. At $10,000 an acre-foot, that is $30B.". Although that is just a fraction of what could be made by bottling the water, Uggley suggested that this was an example of President Trump's concern for the people of Las Vegas -- sacrificing some profit to ensure that a national treasure like Las Vegas would endure and thrive and ensure water for the Trump Organization's many properties in Sin City.
BLAME Chief Engineer Mann said that the construction of the pipeline to Las Vegas will be subcontracted to the Mexican firm, ABRIL-TONTO, which will help mitigate the USA's "illegal immigrant" problem by hiring thousands to dig the the pipeline trench in return for a couple of bus tickets to Nogales, AZ. The firm's Chief Engineer, retired U.S. Army Gen. Alberto "Al" Muerzo, mastermind of the Colorado River Access Project (CRAP), commented, "No hay problema!"
Project Environmental Manager Sonny Summer-Day noted that the EIS completed by the Trump Organization subsidiary, Research Environmental Action Management (REAM), found no significant impacts. "It's just a bunch of rock we're drilling through, and laying a pipeline through the desert. I mean, what lives in a desert?" he stated.
Uggley interrupted Summer-Day, noting that the benefit-cost ratio for the entire project was calculated at 345,000.071/1 by Professor Lotta Krapp at the Meyer Lanksy School of Accounting at the South Henderson Institute of Technology in Henderson, NV. "Or maybe it was 1/345,000.071? I always get that stuff mixed up," he chuckled.
"They presumably would be strapped to 'surfboard-like objects' and 'floated' to Las Vegas, a process known as 'waterboarding'. "Besides, even if we planned to do that, waterboarding is not torture; we don't torture people."
Uggley concluded the press conference by introducing some Las Vegas dignitaries: Pat Yorlum, Chief Person in Charge of the Southern Nevada Aqua Grabbers (SNAG); Dwayne "Botox" Newman, famous entertainer who was recently designated Nevada State Fossil; and Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel III, grandson of the famous entrepreneur whose vision created modern-day Las Vegas. Mayor Oscar "Nolo Contendere" Goodfellas, unable to attend because of an arraignment hearing, was represented by Las Vegas City Attorney Anthony "Tony the Mole" LaPuca, who attempted to read a prepared statement: "Hiz honnah sends his regrets. He's reely sorry he can't bee hear. He tanks da government for da wattah to keep Las Vegas a-float. And I tanks ya as well."
When a reporter asked about the pipeline to the other parched Western states, the millions of jobs, and the WV coal and shouted,
"But none of this makes any sense. It's totally incoherent!"
a spokesman replied that President Trump will discuss all this later but he has to go to Las Vegas to preside at the opening of the new Trump Organization property, Fantasy Nation. [Фантазия нации]
Expected TRUMPP completion date is 2030, when USA troop strength in the Middle East and Central Asia is expected to be down to 500,000.
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