WaterWired

WaterWired's First Annual Corporate Water Devil Award

Several posts ago I quoted Maude Barlow on the evils of those ubiquitous corporate devils who would clean up dirty water, only to rip us off by selling it back to us:

“Water is a public resource and a human right that should be available to all,” she says. “All these companies are doing is recycling dirty water, selling it back to utilities and us at a huge price. But they haven’t been as successful as they want to be. People are concerned about their drinking water and they’ve met resistance.”

I implored her to consider the Orange County Water District, a public utility, that purifies water for its customers.

But I took her advice to heart, and started searching for corporate evil-doers.

Well, speak of the devil! The OCWD and the Orange County Sanitation District have been awarded the 2008 Stockholm Industry Water Award for their pioneering work to develop the world's largest water purification plant for ground water recharge. The recharged purified water will be used to supply drinking water for 500,000 people.

I think the OCWD and the OCSD jointly deserve WaterWired''s First Annual Corporate Water Devil Award for ripping us off by providing safe, recycled drinking water.

Sorry I don't have a logo or even an award to present, but I wanted to strike while the iron is hot.

I guess I need to appoint an awards committee, too. Wonder who should serve? Hmmm....

(This is tongue-in-cheek, by the way.)

"Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary." -- Evan Esar

Madonna Goes Down To The River, Becomes 'Riparian Girl'

While I'm assembling my third and likely final Azerbaijan Report I thought I would post something I lifted from Noah Hall's excellent Great Lakes Law blog.

One of his water law students, Laura Colangelo, must have tired of 'Torts', 'Contracts', etc. and decided to modify the lyrics of Madonna's hit  'Material Girl' and presto! We have 'Riparian Girl'!

Noah, I have just two comments and one question:

1. I don't think you're giving Laura enough work;
2. she should receive a grade of A+ for this; and
3. has she had copyright law yet?

Would you be interested in some of my limericks?

South Caucasus Report: The Joys of Flying

This is for those of you many WaterWired readers who are desperate for news of my peregrinationss

I made it from Portland to the Frankfurt airport, where I now await my flight to Baku, Azerbaijan. The airport is shabbier than I remember it. But the men's rooms are Sen. Larry Craig-proofed.

The security folks made TSA look efficient, and I had to go through two more checkpoints even though I dismebarked from a secure flight and had no access to my checked baggage or other unsecured area.

The 10-hour flight from PDX  provided irrefutable evidence as to the need for: a continued ban on handguns for passengers; and family-only sections on all flights exceeding 10 minutes' duration.

I know - I just turned 60 and am becoming (??) a curmudgeon.

I sat on an aisle seat in the 4-seat middle row with a woman, her sweet daughter (about 5 or 6) and thoroughly obnoxious son (about 4, let's see if he reaches 5). When he wasn't throwing tantrums, he was kicking, waving his pencil around, spilling drinks, etc. The flight was full so there was no place else for me to go. I kept waiting for the large German man directly in front of him to turn around and glare at him, but I think he had had too many Heinekens. The boy did settle down after a while and a few glares from me. For safe measure I kept the earphones on, as I rediscovered the sheer ecstasy of Quiet Riot's Cum On Feel The Noize and its ability to shut out all other sounds.

When we landed in Frankfurt, the woman behind me said, "If I had been sitting there, he would have been dead by now."

Other than that, alles gut hier.

But now for some big news: USAirways has taken over Lufthansa!

So how do I know this, ahead of all the airline industry insiders? Experience, friends, experience.

As we departed the Frankfurt airport gate on 15 May 2008 to fly to Baku, the pilot came on the PA system as we hit the taxiway. In a slight German accent, he was embarrassed to admit that the plane had not been loaded with all the food nor any drinking water, so we had to return to the gate.

Like all commercial pilots everywhere, he was trained to utter the words all passengers ABHOR hearing: "Ladies and gentlemen, this will take only a few minutes and we will soon be en route to Baku."

Three hours later, we took off, and arrived in Baku after midnight instead of at 9 PM. Pity the poor souls who had to continue on to Ashgabat, the Turkmenistan capital - a bad enough destination even under the best of circumstances. Some of the crew members averted their eyes as we deplaned, and the pilot promised, "Lufthansa's normal high standard of service the next time you fly with us." 

As I left, the plane, I said to the head flight attendant, "So when did USAirways take you over?". She gave me a wan smile.

Or maybe it was Northwest.   

A Career in Water - It's a Gas!

I frequently tell my students how rewarding a career in water is.

One of my graduate students resumed his career in pharmacy after getting his Master's in hydrogeology. Guess who's making out like a bandit now?

Why all this about careers? Well, Mary Frances returned from Portland last evening where she had a premonition of my future employment.

Our Toyota MR2 Spyder's plates read "AQUA" (I could not get "AQUADOC in Oregon - too many letters).  She pulled into a gas station and had the attendant fill it up (in Oregon, like New Jersey, you cannot pump your own gas).

When the attendant, a man in his 50s, noticed the plates, he asked, "You a SCUBA diver?".

"No, my husband's a hydrogeologist," she replied.

His eyes lit up, and  he then related how he had been in water, even had a couple of degrees, and tested wells. Used to work for the state (hey, maybe New Jersey!).

Before she could learn more, it was time for him to stop, as the meter had hit $40 (remember, it's just a Toyota MR2), and it was time to move on.

I always figured I'd wind up as a Wal-Mart greeter, but since I live in Oregon I now know that I have options.

Like moving to New Jersey.

"You know you're old when you bend over to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there." -- George Burns

Maude Barlow's and the Bottled Water Industry's Worst Nightmare

What could possibly cause massive heartburn for both Maude Barlow, the Canadian Crusader, and the bottled water industry? Infected, that's what.

Yes, the SciFi Channel managed to give both sleepless nights with its own made-for-TV (aka "straight to DVD") movie, Infected, a semi-decent flick about bad aliens who come to earth looking for human hosts to "grow" their slug-like babies (the adults are insect-like, but don human skin so as not to scare the locals).

Hmmm. Let me guess...the writers saw Alien.

So how do the aliens wreak havoc on humanity? Well, having monitored our media for a number of years, they know humans are real big suckers for bottled water. So they decide to enter the bottled water business, but they contaminate their water with an extraterrestrial amino acid to better prepare the humans, who also get a plague-like disease as a side effect. The company, Whitefield Industries, supplies the unsuspecting populace of Boston (with Montreal playing that role) with cheap (but not too cheap, else the humans won't drink it) bottled water (but none of that overpriced Fiji Water stuff).

If that's not bad enough, the slimy arthropods also grow cheap produce (the bugs also know humans are seduced by cheap but good food) with their contaminated bottled water, further spreading the nasty amino acid. This nefarious plot is discovered by a worker at the city's Water Resources Department, who soon is killed. Two newspaper reporters, former lovers but now on the outs, must team together to defeat the forces of evil (bottled water). They succeed after a bit.

A digression: SciFi movies have at least two things in common: 1) one or more has-been stars: 2) a  climactic scene in what looks to be the basement of an industrial facility, one with plenty of pipes, valves, cables, tanks with flammable fluids, etc. This one was no different. Judd Nelson and Isabella Rossellini (say it ain't so, Isabella!) lend their awesome talents to this flick. Both play aliens, but Nelson is a good one.

Isabella's big moment comes when her breasts explode and two insect-like appendages come flying out to "accost" our hero and heroine. Tears welled up in my eyes. She gets killed by the boss insect, Mr. Whitefield (real name: Zxykownh), soon after that.

So it's easy to see that bottled water's image is tarnished, but why would Maude be perturbed? PRIVATIZATION! We've got a private company supplying Boston with water, people! See what happens when you let private companies into the water business! Aliens and slugs!

And Maude, this is a Canadian movie!

"Nature bats last." -- bumper sticker, Corvallis, OR

Crater Lake Aqua Project (CLAP): Drain Lake, Bottle Water, Sell to Las Vegas

In an early-morning 1 April 2008 press conference the National Park Service (NPS) announced a novel plan to bottle Crater Lake water and also sell it in bulk to Las Vegas, a scheme that would finance the War On Terror (WOT), build the USA-Mexico border fence, resolve the sub-prime mortgage fiasco, fund Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare in perpetuity, and solve the NPS's financial woes by endowing a national park trust fund. The plan, dubbed the Crater Lake Aqua Project (CLAP), will be implemented immediately by the Bush Administration under the guidance of Vice President Dick Cheney.

"CLAP will be the crown jewel in the tiara that is already President Bush's legacy," said U.R. "Bud" Uggley, White House spokesperson. "He is already known for WOT, No Child's Left Behind, his memorable behavior during the Hurricane Katrina crisis, the Bear Stearns bailout, the Palestinian-Israeli Superhighway Toll Road to Peace plan, and the semi-solution to the sub-prime mortgage crisis. This will be his pièce de résistance - that's French, by the way - I mean really big, and he will be fondly remembered for the CLAP," he said. Uggley then introduced Ima Bedd-Wetter, newly-appointed NPS Director, who described the CLAP.

"The Crater Lake National Park Superintendent, Hazel Nutt, tells me that the lake, which holds 5 trillion gallons of water, is the purest natural water in the world. Crater Lake is one of the most recognizable landmarks in the world. It's also apparently in Oregon, which imparts additional cachet. So anything associated with it will automatically achieve marketing nirvana." Nutt seconded Bedd-Wetter's assessment with a resounding "It's awesome!"

Bedd-Wetter then elaborated upon the CLAP. "We'll reserve 4 trillion gallons of the lake's water for bottling, which means we can fill 32 trillion 16-ounce bottles with the purest water in the world. We will sell that for an average of $3 a bottle over the life of the project. Do you know how much money that is? That's $96 trillion!" she said. "Do you know how much of that will be profit? $90 trillion! And that's after paying the Halliburton subsidiary, Cheney Recycling And Bottling Systems (CRABS), to do the bottling. All we do is collect the money! Can you believe the profit? We can probably pay for the BULSHIT (Baluchistan-Uzbekistan-Lebanon-Syria-Hamas-Iran-Turkmenistan) War," she gushed.

The novel aspect of the CLAP is that Crater Lake will appear unchanged. Sophisticated engineering provided by the Halliburton subsidiary, Pipeline Laying And Maintenance Engineering (PLAME), will do the trick. PLAME's Chief Engineer, Anita Mann, waxed enthusiastically about her team's ingenious plan. "We'll install a thick, watertight Lucite slab about 15 feet below the lake's surface, which will be painted to look like the lake bottom.  That will create the illusion that all the water is still there. We will then tunnel through the crater wall to the lake bottom and start pumping out the water via a huge PVC pipeline almost 20 feet in diameter," she said. "But we're not done. The energy provided by the water rushing out will be used to run electrical generators to supply most of western Oregon's needs. It's really quite remarkable," she added.

Freda Press of the Bend Bloviator asked how much water would remain in the lake above the slab. "No hay problema! About 200,000 acre-feet, or about 64 billion gallons," replied Mann. "That's still a lot of water left behind, so who's going to miss the rest?" she said.

Eileen Dover of The Oregano questioned the plan. "Won't people know what's been done, having seen the massive construction project and pipeline?" she inquired.

"Aha!", proudly replied Bud Uggley, "We've figured that one out. We are going to do all the construction only at night, so no one will see what we're doing.  And since no one fishes or swims in the lake, they won't know that it is only 15 feet deep! Are we smart or what?" Uggley then added that it was President Bush himself who conceived the plan to work at night, thus avoiding detection.

Mann added that the scheme is not a new one, but is based upon one proposed by former University of Nevada hydrologist Dick Bateman in the 1970s to mitigate Nevada' s drought. Since the state could not extract more water from Lake Tahoe, Bateman proposed installing a watertight Lucite slab 50 feet below the lake's surface, drilling a tunnel west from Carson City, and sucking out all the water from under California's nose. Mann noted that Nevada has been doing this for 30 years, and no one's caught on. "It's foolproof," she said. "Hey - get it? Foolproof on April 1!" she exclaimed. 

April Fulz of the Las Vegas Review-Urinal asked if it were true that the remaining one trillion gallons would be sold to Las Vegas. Bedd-Wetter corroborated that and said, "That's about 3 million acre-feet, enough to supply Las Vegas' current needs for almost 10 years. At $10,000 an acre-foot, that is $30B.". Although that is just a fraction of what could be made by bottling the water, Bud Uggley suggested that this was an example of President Bush's putative "compassionate conservatism" -- sacrificing some profit to ensure that a national treasure like Las vegas would endure and thrive. Bedd-Wetter added that if Las Vegas needs more water, the NPS could always cut down on amount of water it would bottle.

PLAME Chief Engineer Mann said that the construction of the pipeline to Las Vegas will be subcontracted to the Mexican firm, ABRIL-TONTO, which will help mitigate the USA's "illegal immigrant" problem by hiring thousands to dig the the pipeline trench in return for a couple of bus tickets to Nogales, AZ. The firm's Chief Engineer, retired U.S. Army Gen. Alberto "Al" Muerzo, mastermind of the Colorado River Access Project (CRAP), commented, "No hay problema!"

Project Environmental Manager Sonny Summer-Day noted that the EIS completed by the Halliburton subsidiary, Research Environmental Action Management (REAM), found no significant impacts. "It's just a bunch of rock we're drilling through, and laying a pipeline through the desert. I mean, what lives in a desert?" he stated.

Muerzo added that the evacuated space in the crater will be leased to ABRIL-TONTO, who will use it to house illegal immigrants and all the USA's waste for 50 years. "This will solve the USA's illegal immigration problem because the government can keep an eye on them so they don't commit terrorist acts, and the public won't be able to see them around. The illegals can also unload the trash," said Muerzo.

Uggley interrupted Muerzo, noting that the benefit-cost ratio for the entire project was calculated at 345,000.071/1 by Professor Lotta Krapp at the Meyer Lanksy School of Accounting at the South Henderson Institute of Technology in Henderson, NV. "Or maybe it was 1/345,000.071? I always get that stuff mixed up," he chuckled.

But Gen. Muerzo vehemently denied that the 20-foot pipeline would be used to ship the illegals to the Southwest USA, and then to Mexico. They presumably would be strapped to "surfboard-like objects" and "floated" to Las Vegas, a process known as "waterboarding". "Besides, even if we planned to do that, waterboarding is not torture; we don't torture people," he said.

Uggley concluded the press conference by introducing some Las Vegas dignitaries: Pat Yorlum, Chief Person in Charge of the Southern Nevada Aqua Grabbers (SNAG); Dwayne "Botox" Newman, famous entertainer who was recently designated Nevada State Fossil; and Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel III, grandson of the famous entrepreneur whose vision created modern-day Las Vegas. Mayor Oscar "Nolo Contendere" Goodfellas, unable to attend because of an arraignment hearing, was represented by Las Vegas City Attorney Anthony "Tony the Mole" LaPuca, who attempted to read a prepared statement: "Hiz honnah sends his regrets. He's reely sorry he can't bee hear. He tanks da government for da wattah to keep Las Vegas a-float. And I tanks ya as well."

Expected CLAP completion date is 2025, when USA troop strength in the Middle East and Central Asia is expected to be down to 500,000.

Press Release Date: 1 April 2008
Contact: Stu Pendous          1 202-555-1212           stu.pendous@nps.gov

Download crater_lake_press_release_1apr2008.pdf 

                                                                        !Feliz el primer de abril!

                                                                      HAPPY APRIL FOOLS' DAY!

WaterWired Caption Contest!

I posted this picture on my personal blog Campanastan a few days ago. Eric Eckl over at Water Words That Work suggested a caption contest for it.

The photo was sent in by my friend Marty Ennis. They are not really her cousins, but her late ex-husband and late ex-brother-in-law.

Post a funny caption and you'll win an undisclosed prize...Maybe a year's subscription to my blog, or better yet, a personal mention, or perhaps a caption contest based on your photo.

I have provided a lame example.

 

"Hey, Pete - did you remember to plug it into the uninterrupted power source?"

U.S. Cities Discover Significant New Sources of Water

So who needs engineers and hydrologists to solve water-supply problems? Check out the solutions proposed by The Onion (thanks to Olivia Odom). I decided to add a few to the list.

****************

Drinkable Water for America's Cities

With the scarcity of drinkable water becoming a major issue on the horizon, cities across the U.S. are trying to find new sources of water or new ways to conserve water. Here are some of those methods.

MALIBU, CA—Purchasing a six-pack of Poland Spring's new 350 million-ounce City Jug™

TEMPE, AZ—Transcontinental straw enables residents to enjoy a refreshing sip of Lake Michigan water.

HOUSTON—Encouraging residents to aim "celebration guns" squarely at clouds.

ATLANTA—Passing legislation mandating that people be composed of only 45 percent water.

SANTA FE—Requiring a doctor's prescription to buy bottled water.

GAINESVILLE, FL—Encouraging hot college coeds to shower together.

LOS ANGELES—This shouldn't have to be said, but please don't leave your faucet running while you go to work.

MADISON, WI—Requiring restaurants to wash dishes only after every fourth use.

WASHINGTON, DC—Condensing water vapor contained in the hot air emanating from politicians' mouths.

PORTLAND, OR—Asking residents to stand outside with their heads back and mouths open when they are thirsty.

MIAMI—Encouraging drug dealers to aim guns at clouds, not at opponents, during drive-by shootings.

MINNEAPOLIS/ST. PAUL--Revoking the Twin Cities' official motto, "Flush twice, it's a long way to St. Louis".

NEW YORK—Convincing both Coca-Cola (Dasani) and PepsiCo (Aquafina) to donate six-packs of bottled water every time former mayor Rudy Giuliani mentions '9/11' in a campaign speech.

EL PASO, TX-- Using water in Rio Grande for drinking instead of futile attempt to keep Mexicans from illegally entering the USA.

JERSEY CITY, NJ--Preventing water pollution by encouraging Mafia hitmen not to dump bodies in waterways: local police stations will now accept dead bodies and issue vouchers for hitmen to give to Mafia bosses attesting that so-and-so is, in fact, dead.

CITIES WITH MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAMS-- Requiring ballplayers to use liquids other than water when swallowing or injecting themselves with performance-enhancing drugs.

Effects of Long-Term Drought and Poor Water Quality on Politicians' Brains

A colleague of mine, who shall remain nameless, suggested that one of our journals have a theme issue with the aforementioned title. He proposed a lead article documenting the case of Oklahoma. The Sooner the better (ha ha).

Effects of Long -Term Drought and Poor Water Quality on Politicians' Brains: Oklahoma, a Case Study

Abstract

Long-term water shortages and use of dubiously-sourced waters have had devastating impacts on the electorate and subsequently on their elected officials. Oklahoma is a tragic case. For a state with the proud political history that gave America Carl Albert, David Boren,  and Daniel Patrick Moynihan (born in Tulsa), who served honorably in elected office; Will Rogers and Dan Rowan to make fun of politicians when they got out of hand; and James Garner, Dennis Weaver, and Chuck Norris who time and time again reminded us on the screen that even if we don't have good politicians we have good cops; it has surely fallen on hard times. Today, Oklahomans everywhere must hang their heads that they hold the distinction of having simultaneously sent to represent them in the Senate of the United States two of the biggest whacko dingbat idjits (technical terms) ever to disgrace the halls of Congress: Jim "My brain is affected by global warming" Inhofe and Tom "Rachel Carson causes malaria" Coburn. They also gave America Mike "I used to run horse shows before I ran FEMA (into the ground)" Brown. No one state could produce that much idiocy and send it off to Washington at once without some outside explanatory variable -- and that is bad water!

“The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly,' meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood-sucking parasites'.” -- Larry Hardiman

Aquadoc's Incredible Travel Reports: Georgia, Kazakhstan, South Carolina, Vienna, Central America, Japan

For a number of years I have written "semi-fictional" travel reports and sent them to friends. They are all based on actual events, but are "embellished" somewhat; it's a genre I call semi-fiction. They are still online.

Okay, so they are not about water per se but virtually all of them were the result of water-related trips. Even water wonks have a sense of humor (or think they do).

Enjoy (or not)!

"Chemistry is physics without thought; mathematics is physics without purpose." -- Anonymous (but likely a physicist)

Denver Water's Creative Conservation Ad Campaign

I found out about this great ad campaign for Denver Water from Robert Osborne's Watercrunch blog a while ago and forgot to repost it.

The ads were produced by Sukle Advertising + Design. Check out their WWW site - they have a sense of humor.

"Vodka corrupts; Absolut vodka corrupts absolutely." -- Stefan Kanfer

Colorado River Access Project (CRAP) to Transform Yuma and Las Vegas into Deep-Water Ports

In a surprising April 1 press conference, the U.S. Bureau of Reclamation (USBR) and the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers (USACE) unveiled plans to transform the Lower Colorado River into a massive canal that would provide ocean-going ships access to Las Vegas. General Alberto "Al" Muerzo, P.E., civil works head of the USACE's South Pacific Division, and Mr. Richard "Dick" Cabeza, P.E., Regional Director of the USBR's Lower Colorado Region, met before dozens of reporters and dignitaries to describe the 20-year, $600 billion project, known as the Colorado River Access Project (CRAP). Cabeza said "CRAP will indeed transform the southwestern USA by providing direct shipping access to the ocean. Yuma and Las Vegas will become deep-water ports. Cruise and container ships will be able to reach Las Vegas and regurgitate their human and other cargo. It's awesome!" Muerzo added that the capstone of the world's largest engineering project will be a lock system that will raise ships above Hoover Dam into Lake Mead, which will be dredged. "I mean, I thought the Corps' project to straighten the Mississippi was something, but this is unreal. Gees, big boats in the desert! Whoa!" he gushed.

Anthony "Tony the Roach" Pizzeria, spokesman for Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman (unable to attend because of a grand jury appearance) said Mayor Goodman was "real entoosiastic." Pizzeria continued: "Dis project will truly make Vegas into a woild-class city. We dunno wadda say. Jus tink - all dem construction workers, sailors, and merchant seamen lookin' for somethin' to do. Already we are startin' to issue brothel permits." Clark County DA Hugh Jeego said he was most interested in the Lake Mead dredging, as he expected to be able to solve hundreds of missing persons cases. Jeego elaborated: "I mean, with all the concrete at the bottom of Lake Mead, we could build another Hoover Dam! Forget the Meadowlands - I betcha Jimmy Hoffa's down there. Man, I could be on CSI!"

Dubai Ports World, which gained notoriety in its failed attempt to operate ports in six East Coast cities, will be named operator for the new Port of Las Vegas. Sheikh Ali bin-Dovr, spokesman for DPW, expressed great pride in landing the contract. "My countrymen have been coming to Las Vegas for many years to be serviced. It is now time to return the favor, and we will be honored to service Las Vegas." When asked about DPW's treatment of women, he replied " Hey, no hay problema. We already have plans to introduce casual Fridays, on which some of our secretaries will be permitted to wear colored burkhas - with their husbands' permission, of course."

Sunny Summer-Day, reporter for the Arizona Cilbuper, inquired as to the acquiescence of the Mexican government, since part of the canal would be in Mexican territory. "The what of the Mexican government? Oh. Hey, no hay problema!" replied Muerzo in his best Spanish. "We've already bribed the politicians and the drug cartels, and besides the Mexican engineering firm ABRIL-TONTO will handle the Mexican CRAP," he added. Muerzo went on to say that Mexican President Calderon has long been a big supporter of CRAP.

Department of Homeland Security spokeswoman Tomasina "Tommie" Gunn hailed the project as an important component of national security. '"There will be thousands of Mexicans working for ABRIL-TONTO on the Mexican side, so they won't try to sneak into the USA," she said. She added that the Mexican portion of the canal will be hand-dug so as to maximize employment and kickbacks to government officials and drug kingpins, which will keep things muy tranquilo.

Reporters questioned Cabeza and Muerzo about the wisdom of proposing a huge public-works project in a time of massive deficits, the rebuilding of New Orleans, and the Iraq War. They deferred to White House spokeswoman April Foolz, who was quick to respond: "Both President Bush and Vice-President Cheney have promoted CRAP to Congress and the American people for over six years, so the time is right. We are confident that CRAP will prevail and that Congress will pass CRAP". Foolz continued: "Furthermore, the project will not cost the taxpayers one thin dime. It will be funded by the interest income from the Social Security trust fund and a surcharge on the oil we will pump in Iraq through 2025, when US military operations are slated to maybe perhaps end. It's a slam dunk!" Cabeza added that the benefit-cost ratio calculated by Dr. Haywood U. Gonow, the Meyer Lansky Professor of Creative Accounting at UNLV's Department of Economics, was 309.231/1. "Or maybe it was 1/309.231. Dang! I always get that mixed up! But hey, no hay problema, we are in good hands," he added.

When asked about the benefits to and the effects on the various indigenous peoples who depend upon and live along the river, Cabeza said "Come again? The who? They live where?"

Muerzo mentioned that environmentalists would be mollified by the comprehensive Environmental Impact Statement (EIS), prepared by Nevada State University's Department of Home Economics. The study found that the canal and its construction would not harm any living things, because the Colorado River flows through a desert. "Everyone knows nothing can live in a desert, so you can't harm what isn't there," said the EIS director, Dr. Ima Shill. "I mean, have you been to Yuma in August? I mean, it's so friggin' hot there you can fry burgers on a rock. I'd rather live in New Jersey than spend a day in Yuma during the summer. Have you ever been to New Jersey? Let me tell you..." Upon questioning, she added: "All we found were some wealthy geezers around Lake Havasu City and some farmers around Yuma. So, no hay problema!" beamed Shill.

A spokesman for Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV), Ken Frito-Lay, said the Senator would immediately seek Department of Defense authorization to designate Las Vegas an official Navy service port, where all types of naval fleet "servicing" can occur. "Las Vegas has far more to offer the Navy than does San Diego, and besides, it is not nearly as corrupt. It can also begin "servicing" the Navy even before the ships arrive," he said. In another jab at San Diego, Frito-Lay introduced Las Vegas' new motto: "America's Finest City - Sort Of."

                      !Feliz el primer de abril!

                (Happy April Fools' Day!)